Illusions
by WitchGirl
Summary: On his least favorite day of the year, Carter sees someone he thought he’d never see again. But is she real? PS, this is my first fic for ER, so be gentle!
1. Illusions

Illusions  
  
Summary: On his least favorite day of the year, Carter sees someone he thought he'd never see again. But is she real?  
  
A/N: Look, this may be in the category of "out there" but it's interesting none-the-less. It's my first fic for ER so be nice about it please and I love constructive criticism;)  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own these people, yada yada yada and all that. Just the story's mine.  
  
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Valentines Day. It was raining hard. It was a very quiet day in the hospital with not many patients. Sure, there was the occasional flue, here and there and one boy needed his tonsils out but nothing very serious. There was a boy with a bullet wound, but the life-threatening moment was over and he was slowly recovering. No one was speaking much. John Carter hadn't expected them to today. Today was an anniversary. But it wasn't an anniversary of love and joy. It was an anniversary of sorrow, death, and... guilt. Already a year had past since Lucy had died. Carter had dreaded this day. When people past him in the ER, they would give Carter sympathetic smiles and greet him warmly. Carter looked at them blankly. He didn't know how to respond to them. He was so sad that he barely noticed sometimes.  
"Carter, are you sure you don't want any time off today?" Kerry asked him.  
"I'm fine, Weaver," replied Carter, though he knew he wasn't. But he didn't want time off. It was the last thing he wanted. It was the last thing he wanted to be sitting at home or in the park or at Lucy's grave thinking about her and what he could have done to save her. No, it was better he stayed here, among people, with his job to keep his mind off things. He walked into an exam room where he met a teenage boy.  
"How are we today, Kyle?"  
"Fine. Can I go home now?" Carter laughed at the boy's insistence. It was almost a forced laugh as if he hadn't laughed for a long time and was trying to find something to laugh at. If only he could get those horrible memories out of his mind...   
Though he tried to sound fine, Carter could tell that Kyle was weak. It showed in his body language and his voice.  
"We still need to work on you a bit more. Your lungs haven't recovered well."  
"Sure they have!" but Carter gave him a stern look. Kyle's voice was soft and raspy, but still had a harsh tone to it. The boy paused and continued, "But I hate hospitals!"  
"I know, but we have to make sure that your body has fully recovered. That was some shot you took."  
"Yeah, well..." he trailed off and looked away. He gave a little cough.  
"By the way, that was very brave of you, trying to save your brother from that gangster, but next time, don't let the bullet hit *you* instead, alright?" the boy began to cough again, and Carter watched, slightly concerned. But then, the boy stopped and saw the worried look on Carter's face.  
"Look, I'm not a baby, I don't need you guys worrying about m-" but he cut himself off with another cough.  
"You see? Your lungs haven't fully recovered! It's a miracle you survived at all! I don't know how you're even alive today,"  
"Yeah, well it just proves how good you doctors are," Kyle smiled, hopefully.  
"HA! Flattery won't work, young man!" Carter chuckled again and the boy began to laugh too. But Kyle's laugh soon turned to a dry, hard cough. At first, Carter thought it was just another one of his coughs, but he continued without signs of stopping. Soon, he began to cough up blood and Carter found this odd, but tried to help. Kyle fell back on the bed, eyes screwed tight. As Carter worked on him, he turned his head to the door behind him.  
"Somebody get in here, now!" he turned back to Kyle and saw someone's hands trying to help Kyle with Carter.  
"That was fa-" Carter stopped. The words caught in his throat. As he followed the hands to their owners face, he saw that he was staring straight into the eyes of Lucy Knight. Her face as expressionless and for a second which seemed like an hour, they stared at each other.  
"Carter, what's happening?" Carter turned as he saw Mark Green rushing up to him. When he turned back to Lucy, she was gone.   
"I... I..."  
"Carter, what are you doing?! Help this kid!" Carter looked at Kyle, blankly, then at Dr. Green, who was trying to help the boy. He shook his head, brought himself back to reality and got back to work. When the boy was stable again, Carter requested some time off.  
  
"Carter, something's wrong, I know it. Why are you so distant today? Wait, don't answer that. It's because of Lucy, isn't it? You're thinking of her?" Elizabeth Corday's English accent broke into Carter's thoughts.  
"Huh?"  
"Carter, look at me..." but Carter continued to look down at the table in the coffee shop, "Look at me!" Corday shouted and Carter looked up, "Abby is feeling really wor-"  
"Please, Lizzy, I don't really feel like talking now..."  
"Carter, you will hear her out!" Abby just appeared at the table. But Carter took no notice. Seeing this, Corday took the time to talk to Abby.  
"I can see why you're worried. I'm worried, too,"  
"He was fine this morning! It started when he went to see that boy with the gun shot wound..." Abby shook her head.  
"Really, I've said it before and I'll say it again, why did this have to happen? Poor Carter..." Poor Carter. Carter heard those words even if he didn't hear anything else. *Yeah, poor me,* he thought, sarcastically, *does anyone ever stop to think 'poor Lucy?' She had her whole life ahead of her and I can't help feeling like I took that away from her. Oh Lucy, I'm so sorry! Was it really you I saw in there?* Carter felt a warm hand on his.  
"Lizzy, that isn't necessary, really!" he muttered. Corday stopped talking to Abby and turned to Carter.  
"What's unnecessary, John?" she asked, half confused, half concerned. Carter opened his eyes and blinked. He looked up at Corday. Her hand was on her cup of coffee and the other was out of sight. He looked at Abby. Her arms were crossed. Then, slowly, he turned his head to the seat next to him. For the second time that day, Lucy was right in front of him, but this time she was smiling, warmly, comfortingly. Carter pulled his hand away and stood up abruptly. Abby and Lizzy were looking at him as if concerned for his sanity.  
"Maybe we should go somewhere else..." Abby suggested, but Carter shook his head slowly, not wanting to take his eyes off of Lucy; not wanting to loose her again. She stood up, too, and she seemed to be glowing, slightly, yet radiantly. In Carter's mind, she lit up the room. She walked over to him, leaned close to him, and whispered in his ear.  
"Soon...Tonight..." she said, and smiled. Carter was confused.  
"John! Please, you're scaring me!" Abby said, pulling John to face her. He turned, unwillingly and frantically turned his head again to see if Lucy was still there, but she wasn't.  
"I... I have to go for a walk..." and he pushed past Abby and went onto the street.  
"He shouldn't be out there in his condition," Corday said, watching at the door he had exited.  
"What do you mean, 'in his condition?' You're acting as if he's some crazy psycho who just escaped from the insane asylum!" Abby burst out, "I'm going after him!" and she seized her umbrella and went out the door before Corday could reply.  
  
"Carter... John!" Abby cried, racing up to him. His pace was swift and steady and the colossal drops of rain saturated him. Abby offered to share her umbrella but Carter declined.  
"Carter, you know you can talk to me whenever you need to," Abby told him, comfortingly, "I've never seen you so isolated! Why won't you let anyone help you? Why won't you talk to anyone?"  
"I just don't feel like talking today, OK?" Carter picked up his pace. He began to cross the street when.  
"Carter, wait!" Abby screamed, her voice so full of passion and concern that Carter turned. Only then did he realize she really *was* scared for him. He could see it in her eyes. For a minute, the whole world froze. It was just Carter and Abby and no one else. However, Carter stood still for too long because soon, he felt something hit him hard and his head soon came in contact with the solid, cold pavement.  
  
To be contintued... Most Likely... 


	2. In Your Dreams

A/N: this is a little bit sappier than chapter one. But I think it's still nice.  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own 'em except for Kyle and Rebecca Heraldson.  
  
Chapter 2: In your Dreams  
  
"Oh my God! John!" Abby sprinted to the still body in the middle of the street. The driver of the red Pontiac glanced at Carter, and Abby got a good look at his face. His windshield was smashed. He looked at Abby fast and his eyes widened and he drove away.  
"The little-"  
"Oh my, what happened here?" a woman stepped out of a blue Toyota van. Abby could see her two boys peering out of the tinted windows at the scene. Abby bent over Carter, examining him.  
"Nothing, ma'am, he'll be fine, but we have to get him to the ER,"  
"Please, I want to help. I saw what that man did, and that's just cruel," Abby looked up at the woman, probably in her early thirties. She had strawberry blond hair and a sad look on her face. She paused for a minute as Abby examined her.  
"My... A car hit my husband once. My name is Rebecca Heraldson. Please, let me help," Abby smiled and turned her attention back to Carter.  
"Abby, what happened?!" Corday ran over to Abby's side and they took Carter into the hospital followed closely by Rebecca Heraldson.  
  
"Hold on, Carter, just hold on," Peter Benton whispered, somewhat calm. Carter opened his eyes then closed them again and slipped back into unconsciousness.  
  
"Hello, Carter," he heard a female voice call. He looked around. He was in the ER. Corday and Romano were operating on someone fiercely; someone they seemed to have a special bond with. Someone Carter knew.  
"Come on, Lucy, we spent too much time training you to lose you now!" Lucy. It was Lucy.  
"No, Lucy!"  
"That's it we've done all we can..." and they waited. But nothing happened. Carter had never seen this happen when he was awake, but he knew it was the same thing that happened when Lucy died. The scene changed and Carter felt a knife in his back. He screamed in pain and rolled onto the floor. That's when he saw the picture that had been haunting his mind: Lucy, cold and scared in a puddle of blood, eyes wide in terror and worry.  
"Lucy..." Carter whispered, "Not again!" the scene changed again and the pain in his back faded. He was now standing in pure darkness. It seemed to go on for an eternity, showing no walls or ceiling. Carter couldn't even see the floor that should have been beneath his feet. It was a starless universe extending in all directions. He had seen the other scenes in his dreams before, but never had he been in pitch-blackness. It was oddly tranquil here and strangely silent. It was calm and collective, allowing Carter to have some peace of mind, something he hadn't had in a while. And yet, the scene seemed to be waiting for something, a person, an event... a decision, maybe, on Carter's part. It stayed the same, dark and quiet, waiting for something to happen. It wasn't as dark as it seemed, though. There was a light, a bright light. Carter was waiting, too.  
"I'm not dead am I?" he asked himself.  
"Not yet," he jumped at the same voice that had first greeted him when he entered his dreams. He turned and saw again, the glowing Lucy he wished he had gotten to know better.  
"Lucy, am I going crazy? I see you everywhere! Are you real or are you just a hallucination?"  
"That's really for you to decide, John," her voice echoed in the dark.  
"That light..." Carter said, turning his head to it, "It's not..."  
"Yes. If you take that road, you will be on your way to heaven. But, if you take that road,"-she gestured in the opposite direction of the white light, the only light, "You will awake. I suggest you take that road. I made the wrong choice,"  
"What do you mean?" Carter asked. He looked at the road to consciousness. It looked cold and dark and not very welcoming. Carter felt the uneasy feeling of foreboding. He would have much rather stayed in the new universe and it's diamondless sky.  
"They give you a choice; they let you choose whether or not you want to live, or die. But they don't tell you. You have to decide on your own. That road will lead you to the home you don't remember, Carter, while the other will take you to your family and friends," she said, "No one was here to tell me that and so I took what seemed to be the easier road. I thought I was coming back to you. They make it look more appealing, Carter, to test your courage. Technically, I'm not supposed to be here, but I couldn't stand by and watch you make the wrong choice," Carter looked at the bright light. It was much more welcoming then the other, dark path.  
"You've been her before, Carter," Lucy said, "But you took the right road. You don't remember it, but you did,"  
"Why? I don't want to take it now,"  
"Because I led you to it," Lucy said, "You didn't see me, but I was there. And I am leading you there again. When... or if you wake, you are not supposed to remember this, but you will."  
"Wait. If I take the white road, I'll be with you!" Carter seemed excited. Lucy smiled, wanly.  
"I'd love that. But are you really ready to leave them? Lizzy, Peter, Mark, Dave, Luka, Abby... they'll all miss you. I wasn't ready to leave you. Go back, Carter. Tonight, I will speak to you and we will have our last encounter for a while."  
"No! Last? Lucy, I don't want to lose you again!" tears formed in Carter's eyes.  
"You'll never really lose me, Carter. I'll always be with you. I am never gone. Now, the longer you stay here, the more you will be drawn to the wrong road because the more physical pain you will have when you awake. The more the doctors help you, the more you will be drawn to the right road because they are trying to heal your physical wounds and bring you back to them. You have to go. I'll see you tonight," and Lucy faded into the darkness. Carter took a deep breath and stepped onto the road to consciousness.  
  
"Carter! You gave us quite a scare," Lizzy said, "You were doing fine and then... Oh, Carter! Don't you dare do that again!"  
"Lucy..." everyone was silent.  
"Carter, it's time to let go. She's gone," Abby said.  
"No... No, she's still here. She said she'd always be here," he tried to sit up, but his head hurt too much from when it came in contact with the hard asphalt.  
"Carter, you don't know what your saying..."  
"No, you don't know what your saying, Peter!" Carter burst out without meaning it, "I wasn't suppose to remember, but I do and she told me she'll always be here! I know exactly what I am saying and I know you all think I'm crazy and, well, maybe I am! But I know what I heard!"  
"Carter it was just a dream..."  
"I know the difference between dream and reality!" no one said anything after that. Abby looked at them and requested to speak with Carter alone. So they left.  
"You know, they think you're over-worked. They think you need a vacation,"  
"*you* think I'm crazy!" Carter said, harshly.  
"No, actually, I don't. I think you're actually pretty smart. And lucky,"  
"Smart? Lucky? You don't think I'm crazy?"  
"No, and neither do the others. You've been fine and we expected this today. You are crazy, Carter, but crazy from grief. You think you're seeing Lucy!"  
"I am seeing Lucy! Wait... How did you know?"  
"Because Lizzy's seeing her too. She doesn't show it as much as you, but she was there when Lucy died. She blames herself for Lucy's death, just as you blame yourself. One moment, Lucy was fine and the next... This is hard for all of us. We do understand, Carter!"  
"But I *do* see Lucy!" Carter protested, "I thought they were hallucinations, at first, but now I know they aren't! I don't know how, but some how I know that Lucy is still here, with us, every day, just like she always has been. And even though we don't see her, even though we don't know, whenever there is some miracle recovery, or when some sort of good accident happens, it's her," Carter and Abby looked long and hard into each other's eyes and Abby understood. But Abby, as she said, had understood before. The difference this time was, that Abby believed it.  



	3. One Sweet Day

Chapter 3: One Sweet Day  
  
A/N: Sorry, didn't know it when I was writing it, but this kind of turned into a song fic.  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own anyone in this chapter except Rebecca. 'One Sweet Day,' obviously, isn't mine either.  
  
"Excuse me, they tell me you're John Carter?" a woman asked when she poked her head in. Abby had left five minutes before.  
"Yes... Who are you?"  
"My name is Rebecca Heraldson. You can call me Becky,"  
"Hello, Becky," Carter smiled weakly, "Can I help you?" Becky smiled and closed the door behind her. She made sure no one was coming, watching, or listening first.  
"What are you doing?"  
"I have some information for you, Carter, about your friend,"  
"Which friend?"  
"Lucy Knight," Carter's eyes widened.  
"She's dead..."  
"I know that! I was a friend of hers... Actually, my husband was. But the point is, we talked a lot and she spoke of you often. I'm also a bit of a psychic. I knew, somehow, that that guy was going to hit you. I don't think you're crazy-"  
"Who said I was crazy?" Carter asked, slightly suspicious.  
"No one. But... She said that she loved you, Carter, she really did. And she said- actually, I think it was a joke- she said if she died before she told you so, then she wouldn't let heaven or earth stand between you until she told you,"  
"What? This isn't just some prank, is it?"  
"I don't joke about these things," her face was quite serious, "this may sound stupid, but... do you think that's what she's trying to do now?"  
"Who told you I was seeing Lucy? I mean, actually seeing her everywhere? Does the whole hospital know?"  
"Well... I heard some of the doctors talking. They seemed to all agree that you weren't crazy. They care for you, Carter, but you're too blinded with grief to see that you're hurting them. And, as I said, I am a bit of a psychic... And I don't think the *whole* hospital knows..."  
"Thank you, Mrs. Heraldson."  
"But-"  
"I'd really like to be alone, now."  
"All right..." and she left.  
  
That night, Carter was so anxious to sleep that he couldn't. But eventually, he did.  
"Lucy!" he screamed. He was in exam room 6 in the ER. It was empty.  
"No need to shout, John," Carter turned and embraced his deceased friend. She seemed slightly surprised.  
"I miss you so much!" Carter said, the tears forming in his eyes.  
"I miss you, too, Carter. But we'll be together... Someday. This is the last time I'll see you for a while, but remember, I'm never truly gone. I love you very much, Carter and I never had the chance to tell you. I guess I was too afraid, really."  
"I love you, too, Luce," Carter whispered into her soft hair that he had always taken for granted; always thought she would be there.  
"You think I am gone from your life forever but it is just the opposite. I am in your heart forever and there, I can never die. I'm only lost to you when you are lost to yourself and even then, I will find a way to renew your faith. I am always watching over you and I always will."  
"Lucy, Please!"  
"I'll miss you, Carter," she said, "And the other reason I've been trying to reach you is to tell you it's time to let go of me. You've suffered enough. Really, you're not to blame. Please, stop grieving for me. It's time to move on. Tell Lizzy that, too."  
"I will," Carter promised and Lucy kissed him passionately.  
"I've been wanting to do that for a long time, now," she admitted, smiling, "Good bye, Carter,"  
"Good bye... Lucy..."  
  
The next few days were a blur. Soon, Carter was up again and working. No one spoke to him much. One day, he caught Elizabeth Corday alone.  
"Lizzy, could I talk you?"  
"Sure, John, what is it?"  
"I had a dream... Lucy was in it. She told me to tell you that you can stop blaming yourself. It's time to move on. She doesn't like to see you grieve for her. She doesn't like to see you in pain. She said she misses you. You have to learn to let go, just like me." Lizzy looked up at him with tears in her eyes and hugged him.  
  
Carter went out to a restaurant that night, to forget about the things that had happened in the last few days.  
"Are you waiting for someone to join you, Sir?" the waiter asked.  
Carter laughed and replied, "More like I'm waiting to join her. No, I'm not expecting anyone, if that's what you mean."  
"Very well, Sir," and he went to get the appetizers. The restaurant had some music playing and soon, a fairly old, but still good song began to play that made Carter sigh and think of Lucy again for the thousandth time that week.  
  
"Never had I imagined  
Living without your smile  
Feeling and knowing you hear me  
It keeps me alive, alive  
And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven  
Like so many friends we've lost along the way  
And I know eventually we'll be together  
One sweet day   
Darling, I never showed you  
Assumed you'd always be there  
I took your presence for granted  
But I always cared  
And I miss the love we shared   
Although the sun will never shine the same  
I'll always look to a brighter day  
Lord I know when I lay me down to sleep  
You will always listen as I pray   
And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven  
Like so many friends we've lost along the way  
And I know eventually we'll be together  
One sweet day   
Sorry I never told you  
All I wanted to say..."  
  
Carter felt almost exactly the same way...  



End file.
